...of respite

I’ve fallen asleep in a strange way, with my hands clasped behind my head thinking I’m just going to sit there and think, but I’m sleeping like that, and when I wake up just one short minute later I realize the two girls are both sitting behind me in absolute silence - When I’d sat down they were both sweeping, but now they were squatting behind my back, facing each other, not a word - I turn and see them there - Blessed relief has come to me from just that minute - Everything has washed away - I’m perfectly normal again - Dave Wain is down the road looking at fields and flowers - I’m sitting smiling in the sun, the birds sing again, all’s well again.
I still can’t understand it.
Most of all I can’t understand the miraculousness of the silence of the girls and the sleeping boy and the silence of Dave Wain in the fields - Just a golden wash of goodness has spread over all and over all my body and mind - All the dark torture is a memory - I know I now can get out of there, we’ll drive back to the City, I’ll take Billie home, I’ll say goodbye to her properly, she won’t commit suicide or do anything wrong, she’ll forget me, her life’ll go on, Romana’s life will go on, old Dave will manage somehow, I’ll forgive them and explain everything (as I’m doing now) - And Cody, and George Baso, and ravened McLear and perfect starry Fagan, they’ll all pass through one way or the other - I’ll stay with Monsanto at his home a few days and he’ll smile and show me how to be happy awhile, we’ll drink dry wine instead of sweet and have quiet evenings in his home - Arthur Ma will come to quietly draw pictures at my side - Monsanto will say ‘That’s all there is to it, take it easy, everything’s okay, don’t take things too serious, it’s bad enough as it is without you going the deep end over imaginary conceptions just like you always said yourself’ - I’ll get my ticket and say goodbye on a flower day and leave all San Francisco behind and go back home across autumn America and it’ll all be like it was in the beginning - Simple golden eternity blessing all - Nothing ever happened - Not even this - St Carolyn by the Sea will go on being golden one way or the other - The little boy will grow up to be a great man - There’ll be farewells and smiles - My mother’ll be waiting for me glad - The corner of the yard where Tyke is buried will be a new and fragrant shrine making my home more homelike somehow - On soft spring nights i’ll stand in the yard under the stars - Something good will come out of all things yet - And it all will be golden and eternal just like that - There’s no need to say another word.

[Big Sur, Kerouac, J.]