...of peeking society

‘Can it be that Ron and all these other guys, Dave and McLear or somebody, the other guys earlier are all a bunch of witches to make me go mad?’ I seriously consider this - Remembering that childhood revery I always had, which I used to ponder seriously as I walked home from St Joseph’s Parochial School or sat in the parlor of my home, that everybody is making fun of mooney me and I don’t know it because everytime I turn around to see who’s behind me they snap back into place with regular expressions, but soon’s I look away again they dart up my nape of neck and all whisper there giggling and plotting evil, silently, you can’t hear them, and when I turn to catch them they’ve already snapped back perfectly in place and are saying ‘Now the proper way to cooks eggs is’ or they’re singing Chet Baker songs looking the other way or they’re saying ‘Did I ever tell you about Jim that time?’ - But my childhood revery also included the fact that everybody in the world was making fun of me because they were all members of an eternal secret society or Heaven society that knew the secret of the world and were seriously fooling me so that I’d wake up and see the light (i.e., become enlightened, in fact) - So that I, ’Ti Jean’, was the LAST Ti Jean left in the world, the last poor holy fool, those people at my neck were the devils of the earth among whom God had cast me, and angel baby, as tho I was the last Jesus in fact! and all these people were waiting for me to realize it and wake up and catch them peeking and we’d all laugh in Heaven suddenly - But animals werent doing that behind my back, my cats were always adornments licking their paws sadly, and Jesus, he was a sad witness to this, somewhat like the animals - He wasn’t peeking down my neck - There lies the root of my belief in Jesus - So that actually the only reality in the world was Jesus and the lambs (the animals) and my brother Gerard who had instructed me - Meanwhile some of the peekers were kindly and sad, like my father, but had to go along with everybody in the same boat - But my waking up would take place and then everything would vanish except Heaven, which is God - And that was why later in life after these rather strange you must admit childhood reveries, after I had that fainting vision of the Golden Eternity and others before and after it including Samadhis during Buddhist meditations in the woods, I conceived of myself as a special solitary angel sent down as a messenger from Heaven to tell everybody or show everybody by example that their peeking society was actually the Satanic Society and they were all on the wrong track.

[Big Sur, Kerouac, J.]