I am wearing underpants, but only because the seat of this chair has no cushion.
I have also just brought blueberries in from the kitchen.
Was it really some other person I was so anxious to discover, when I did all of that looking, or was it only my own solitude that I could not abide?
Wandering through this endless nothingness. Once in a while, when I was not mad, I would turn poetic instead. I honestly did let myself think about things in such ways.
The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me. For instance I thought about them like that, also.
In a manner of speaking, I thought about them like that.
Actually I underlined that sentence in a book, named the Pensees, when I was in college.
Doubtless I underlined the sentence about wandering through an endless nothingness in somebody else's book, as well.
[Wittgenstein's Mistress, Markson, D.]
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
...of hesitation
What's going on? You'd think... didn't you notice it?... It seems to me that I sensed... In what he said?... No, it's more in his silence... when he was listening to us I felt, I should not have been surprised if there had issued from his lips... - Oh no, what will you imagine next? It was nothing... I was elsewhere... the most I could have done would have been to repeat without thinking what I was saying... Others said that first, not I... others who have proved that they were not... but who does not have such moments? He himself perhaps... - What did you say? Who are you talking about?... -No, not about him, of course... but I just wanted to point out that none of us is totally preserved from... We should be forgiven... One moment of vacuity, of inattention, is not enough for... - Oh, yes it is. There's many a case in which almost nothing... where there's smoke there's fire... sufficed to mark an entire life... - Yes, I know, but I... - What do you mean you? Nobody, you know that, even among "somebodies," can enjoy complete immunity when it's a matter of... - But I, what I meant to say... No, what am I talking about? I didn't mean to say anything... - Ah, you see, you're hesitating, spluttering, I was not wrong... you can thank me. I stopped you in time... I sensed, I never mistake it... there was in your expression, in your silence, yes... a sort of reticence... a second more... with the devil at your elbow... and words were going to come out...
- No, not I, I couldn't say anything, for the simple reason that I hadn't thought anything. No, I assure you, not spoken by me... I, what words?... Why, I'm surprised... After all, what are those words? Where did you get them? How did they come into your mind? - Oh I don't know... I must have heard... - Heard where? From whom? - I forget... - Think. That's serious, because if you did not hear them... Well... So speak them then, those words that you imagined, that you "felt" forming in me, rising to my lips... All right, all right, let's not insist... This time it will not be chalked up against you... You believed, just believed you perceived, that's what is a bit awkward... yes, it was an hallucination... but you must watch yourself, that's disquieting... You know quite well what that is, what you imagined, what you believed you heard: That's what fools say.
["Fools Say", Sarraute, N.]
- No, not I, I couldn't say anything, for the simple reason that I hadn't thought anything. No, I assure you, not spoken by me... I, what words?... Why, I'm surprised... After all, what are those words? Where did you get them? How did they come into your mind? - Oh I don't know... I must have heard... - Heard where? From whom? - I forget... - Think. That's serious, because if you did not hear them... Well... So speak them then, those words that you imagined, that you "felt" forming in me, rising to my lips... All right, all right, let's not insist... This time it will not be chalked up against you... You believed, just believed you perceived, that's what is a bit awkward... yes, it was an hallucination... but you must watch yourself, that's disquieting... You know quite well what that is, what you imagined, what you believed you heard: That's what fools say.
["Fools Say", Sarraute, N.]
...of disapproval
That hand dangling, slowly swaying above the small change spread out on the open palm... they too see it, they have seen it, they have been able to observe it at close range, their eyes too have followed, taken in the skimpy form of a deplorable tight-fist... they've seen her, the innocent defenceless girl, led on by him, not daring to turn back toward them, her nearest and dearest, to call on them for help... Stealthily they followed her, they slipped in behind her until they reached the den where she was sequestered, riveted to him, debased... they carefully inspected the entire place and then left on tiptoe, their eyes filled with tears, weeping over her, her wasted life, her broken heart... Seized with terror, she tears herself away from him... torn in twain, mutilated, gasping for breath, she forces herself to follow them, clings to them, begs them... They should not abandon her, if they'll only come back with her, it doesn't matter, they can come in... they should look even more closely... they should help her to recover, rediscover... there was in him such richness, such real wealth, these should be found... they must remember, they had seen them, they too, like her, they had been dazzled by them... Is it possible that by itself, a single gesture like that one could... they are already ashamed, aren't they, they who are so indulgent, so broad-minded, to have attached such importance to something so petty? Merely to have noticed such a trifle, couldn't this also show pettiness in them? She would blush to confess this to him, he would have every reason to scorn her...
They remain motionless, silent... she seizes their hands, hugs their knees... Just a word, a look, to reassure her, they can still save her... They shake their heads... Alas, my poor child, what can we do about it? What can we do in the face of the rules by which we are governed, precepts founded on wisdom, on experience that harks back to remote Antiquity? This one: you know it well, what's the use trying to forget it? She stops her ears... Gently, firmly, they remove her hands... You must have the courage to listen: Ab unglue leonem.
["Fools Say", Sarraute, N.]
They remain motionless, silent... she seizes their hands, hugs their knees... Just a word, a look, to reassure her, they can still save her... They shake their heads... Alas, my poor child, what can we do about it? What can we do in the face of the rules by which we are governed, precepts founded on wisdom, on experience that harks back to remote Antiquity? This one: you know it well, what's the use trying to forget it? She stops her ears... Gently, firmly, they remove her hands... You must have the courage to listen: Ab unglue leonem.
["Fools Say", Sarraute, N.]
...of machination
From their barely opened lips it issued... a murmur, a hardly perceptible whisper... - His chin is growing longer, yes, I'm afraid, he'll have an undershot jaw... - Ah, like Uncle Francois... and they grew silent... A look, a sign exchanged between them must have put them on their guard, incited them to be prudent... Once more they have enveloped him in silence, once more they have put on the magic cap that gives him the feeling of not being seen, as though in place of his body, of his face, there were an empty space that their glances pass through, in which nothing hinders them... nothing that comes from him reaches, or disturbs the calm, opaque surface of their eyes.
"His"... They look, they observe, situated at a good distance, a form that he can't see, in which he is imprisoned, enclosed, circumscribed, demarcated, separated, designated by that word that they apply to him: his.
["Fools Say", Sarraute, N.]
"His"... They look, they observe, situated at a good distance, a form that he can't see, in which he is imprisoned, enclosed, circumscribed, demarcated, separated, designated by that word that they apply to him: his.
["Fools Say", Sarraute, N.]
...of banishment
"Jonathan Livingston Seagull," said the Elder, "Stand to Centre for shame in the sight of your fellow gulls!"
It felt like being hit with a board. His knees went weak, his feathers sagged, there was a roaring in his ears. Centred for shame? Impossible! The Breakthrough! They can't understand! They're wrong, they're wrong!
"... for his reckless irresponsibility," the solemn voice intoned, "violating the dignity and tradition of the Gull Family..."
To be centred for shame meant that he would be cast out of gull society, banished to a solitary life on the Far Cliffs.
"... one day, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, you shall learn that irresponsibility does not pay. Life is the unknown and the unknowable, except that we are put into this world to eat, to stay alive as long as we possibly can."
A seagull never speaks back to the Council Flock, but it was Jonathan's voice raised. "Irresponsibility? My brothers!" he cried. "Who is more responsible than a gull who finds and follows meaning, a higher purpose for life? For a thousand years we have scrabbled after fish heads, but now we have a reason to live - to learn, to discover, to be free! Give me one chance, let me show you what I've found... "
The Flock might as well have been stone.
"The Brotherhood is broken," the gulls intoned together, and with one accord they solemnly closed their ears and turned their backs upon him.
[Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Bach, R.]
It felt like being hit with a board. His knees went weak, his feathers sagged, there was a roaring in his ears. Centred for shame? Impossible! The Breakthrough! They can't understand! They're wrong, they're wrong!
"... for his reckless irresponsibility," the solemn voice intoned, "violating the dignity and tradition of the Gull Family..."
To be centred for shame meant that he would be cast out of gull society, banished to a solitary life on the Far Cliffs.
"... one day, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, you shall learn that irresponsibility does not pay. Life is the unknown and the unknowable, except that we are put into this world to eat, to stay alive as long as we possibly can."
A seagull never speaks back to the Council Flock, but it was Jonathan's voice raised. "Irresponsibility? My brothers!" he cried. "Who is more responsible than a gull who finds and follows meaning, a higher purpose for life? For a thousand years we have scrabbled after fish heads, but now we have a reason to live - to learn, to discover, to be free! Give me one chance, let me show you what I've found... "
The Flock might as well have been stone.
"The Brotherhood is broken," the gulls intoned together, and with one accord they solemnly closed their ears and turned their backs upon him.
[Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Bach, R.]
Tuesday, 7 October 2014
...of defiance
In reality, nothing was ever so extraordinary as the merchandise the stranger produced: most of his curiosities, which were not less admirable for their workmanship than splendour, had, besides, their several virtues described on a parchment fastened to each. There were slippers, which, by spontaneous springs, enabled the feet to walk; knives, that cut without motion of the hand; sabres, that dealt the blow at the person they were wished to strike; and the whole enriched with gems, that were hitherto unknown.
The sabres, especially, the blades of which, emitted a dazzling radiance, fixed, more than all the rest, the Caliph's attention; who promised himself to decipher, at his leisure, the uncouth characters engraven on their sides. Without, therefore, demanding their price, he ordered all the coined gold to be brought from his treasury, and commanded the merchant to take what he pleased. The stranger obeyed, took little, and remained silent.
Vathek, imagining that the merchant's taciturnity was occasioned by the awe which his presence inspired, encouraged him to advance; and asked him, with an air of condescension, who he was? whence he came? and where he obtained such beautiful commodities? The man, or rather monster, instead of making a reply, thrice rubbed his forehead, which as well as his body, was blacker than ebony; four times clapped his paunch, the projection of which was enormous; opened wide his huge eyes, which glowed like firebrands; began to laugh with a hideous noise, and discovered his long amber-coloured teeth, be streaked with green.
The Caliph, though a little startled, renewed his inquiries, but without being able to procure a reply. At which, beginning to be ruffled, he exclaimed: 'Knowest thou, wretch, who I am, and at whom thou art aiming thy gibes?' - Then, addressing his guards, - 'Have ye heard him speak? - is he dumb?' - 'He hath spoken,' they replied, 'but to no purpose.' 'Let him speak then again,' said Vathek, 'and tell me who he is, from whence he came, an where he procured these singular curiosities; or I swear, by the ass of Balaam, that I will make him rue his pertinacity.'
This menace was accompanied by one of the Caliph's angry and perilous glances, which the stranger sustained without the slightest emotion; although his eyes were fixed on the terrible eye of the Prince.
[Vathek, Beckford, W.]
The sabres, especially, the blades of which, emitted a dazzling radiance, fixed, more than all the rest, the Caliph's attention; who promised himself to decipher, at his leisure, the uncouth characters engraven on their sides. Without, therefore, demanding their price, he ordered all the coined gold to be brought from his treasury, and commanded the merchant to take what he pleased. The stranger obeyed, took little, and remained silent.
Vathek, imagining that the merchant's taciturnity was occasioned by the awe which his presence inspired, encouraged him to advance; and asked him, with an air of condescension, who he was? whence he came? and where he obtained such beautiful commodities? The man, or rather monster, instead of making a reply, thrice rubbed his forehead, which as well as his body, was blacker than ebony; four times clapped his paunch, the projection of which was enormous; opened wide his huge eyes, which glowed like firebrands; began to laugh with a hideous noise, and discovered his long amber-coloured teeth, be streaked with green.
The Caliph, though a little startled, renewed his inquiries, but without being able to procure a reply. At which, beginning to be ruffled, he exclaimed: 'Knowest thou, wretch, who I am, and at whom thou art aiming thy gibes?' - Then, addressing his guards, - 'Have ye heard him speak? - is he dumb?' - 'He hath spoken,' they replied, 'but to no purpose.' 'Let him speak then again,' said Vathek, 'and tell me who he is, from whence he came, an where he procured these singular curiosities; or I swear, by the ass of Balaam, that I will make him rue his pertinacity.'
This menace was accompanied by one of the Caliph's angry and perilous glances, which the stranger sustained without the slightest emotion; although his eyes were fixed on the terrible eye of the Prince.
[Vathek, Beckford, W.]
...of repression
Notwithstanding the sensuality in which Vathek indulged, he experienced no abatement in the love of his people, who though that a sovereign giving himself up to pleasure, was as able to govern, as one who declared himself an enemy to it. But the unquiet and impetuous disposition of the Caliph would not allow him to rest there. He had studied so much for his amusement in the life-time of his father, as to acquire a great deal of knowledge, though not a sufficiency to satisfy himself; for he wished to know every thing; even sciences that did not exist. He was fond of engaging in disputes with the learned, but did not allow them to push their opposition with warmth. He stopped with presents the mouths of those whose mouths could be stopped; whilst others, whom his liberality was unable to subdue, he sent to prison to cool their blood; a remedy that often succeeded.
[Vathek, Beckford, W.]
[Vathek, Beckford, W.]
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